Calling All Holiday Sourpusses: Step Aboard the Pessimists’ Cruise

Overcast skies, stomach-churning grub, and all the gripes you can chew on

Photo by Rene Asmussen on Pexels

Are you a curmudgeon on the hunt for late summer cruise bargains? Try the Pessimists’ Cruise from Near Miss Cruise Lines, the summer getaway designed for people who love to moan endlessly when on vacation.

The package includes flights out of the most depressing, delay-prone airports and transportation by unreliable bus to your embarkation port, an abandoned coal jetty in an economically depressed industrial zone. There, passengers join the rust bucket cruise ship, Toxic Sun. After being processed by rude staff, the worrywart cruisers are shoved aboard the vessel by a scurvy crew.

As soon as they board the ship, passengers are neglected and given misleading directions.

The cabins are cramped and fitted with drafty portholes, noisy air vents, and a toilet that flushes every six minutes. Deluxe accommodation also comes with noisy neighbors. Personal attendants assigned to each cabin have hygiene issues and several very irritating habits.

The ship purposely sails through bad weather and is equipped with anti-stabilizers that induce a sickening rolling motion. The queasiness that every grumpy passenger loves to complain about is helped by a food menu rich in grease and leftovers from previous cruises.

Near Miss Cruise Lines has created an onboard entertainment program geared to morosity. It includes unfunny comedians, the Manic Depressive’s Yodeling Ensemble, and tedious deck games run by really annoying staff members.

The cruise’s award-losing port itinerary is sure to upset even the most hardened doom merchant. Toxic Sun calls at a deserted island that is reputed to have been used to test nerve gas during the Cold War, and a mystery, downtrodden tourist trap that has never seen better days.

So far, demand for the cruise has been high, and Near Miss Cruise Lines is developing more cruise packages of this type. The company is looking for another derelict hulk to add to its fleet. If you are a misery looking for company — this is the getaway for you.

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K. B. Cottrill

Constantly losing the main plot while finding quirkier ones to write about for print, stage, and screen.